Becoming a Mom...again

We welcome our second son in November of 2021, and even though I was already a mom, it rocked my world in a way I did not experience the first time.

Writing this post is mainly therapeutic for me, as I’m actively trying process the last year and a half of our lives…  

*Trigger Warning: mention of pregnancy loss*

So, today I am going to share my experience of becoming a mom… again. There is a lot of emphasis on a first time mother’s transition into motherhood, but what happens after that with subsequent children? I recently learned that this time in a woman’s life has a name –matrescence. Matrescence is the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition to becoming a mother. Nikki McCahon shares that “matrescence is not a one-time transformation. It’s ongoing, cyclical and non-linear.” Amazing, right? 

Looking back on the past 1.5 years, a lack of preparation, naivety, and crazy life circumstances led to this perfect storm.  Prior to having a second child I mostly heard that the transition from 0 to 1 kid was hardest. So I very naively thought: “I am already a mom, I got this. I have already had a c-section, I can do it again. I have experienced all of these baby phases before, easy-peasy. I already have a boy, #boymom.” Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

I didn’t take the time to mentally prepare myself the second time around because I didn’t think I needed to. When we were preparing for our first sons' arrival, we were VERY aware of the fact that our life was about to change. Before Jack, we were living with a false sense of security that we thought we already knew what we were doing. 

Every pregnancy, and of course, every child is different. That fact coupled along with my lack of preparation, I did not cope well with the struggles I faced during pregnancy. I had bleeding on and off during the first half of my pregnancy, and at 33 weeks, baby Jack started to try to come early. I was on and off pelvic and bed rest the entire pregnancy, even on medication toward the end to prevent him coming too early. Of course, you can never predict when things like this happen, but the anxiety I experienced rocked my world. Before I got pregnant with Jack, I experienced a miscarriage, so that was always in the back of my mind. I was terrified to lose him. All of this was happening and I still had Leo to take care of. It was so hard to prioritize my own mental health during this time. 

So at 36 weeks, Jack decided to make his appearance. He was supposed to be a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. My first son was breech and delivered via c-section, so the plan was for a repeat. Going into labor was quite the experience – ha! Once he decided to come, he came very fast! Even though he was considered “premature,” Jack was a healthy 7 pound 7 ounces!  

This next part of our story is not typical, but important to understand why this time in our life was so difficult. The day after we brought Jack home from the hospital, my husband and I tested positive for COVID. I will never forget when I opened the email with my test results. I fell to my knees, sobbing. I was terrified. We called our pediatrician to ask how we should handle things with our newborn. Her advice was to wear a mask as much as possible around the children, and quarantine away from everyone else. We followed doctor’s orders, and for the next two weeks we wore masks 24/7. We couldn’t kiss our babies. Our babies didn’t see our faces or smiles for two weeks. We lived in fear every second that one of the boys would start showing symptoms. How could we get COVID NOW?! Nick and I are both fully vaccinated, and avoided it for almost two years. We were truly devastated. We missed Thanksgiving, and didn’t see anyone else for two weeks. New parents (even second-time parents) really need all the support they can get, and we were completely isolated. We were extremely luckily and had mild cases, and the boys never showed symptoms. I am fully aware that our experience with COVID could have been much worse, but it was truly traumatic.

After we recovered from COVID, we noticed Jack was having feeding issues. Screaming, refusing bottles, and so much vomit. We saw a GI specialist who said it was most likely reflux. He started medication, but when it came to feeding him, I felt so lost and frustrated. We didn’t have any issues like this with our first son, so we were so confused. It felt impossible to get into any sort of feeding routine because there was always something changing: new formula, more vomit, constipation, diarrhea, more vomit. This cycle lasted for months… 

After celebrating Christmas, I started having some weird and concerning postpartum symptoms: discharge, intense episodes of cramping and bright red bleeding. It was finally confirmed at 9 weeks postpartum that I had a piece of retained placenta. I was in disbelief. I was scheduled for a D&C, but it wasn’t for another three weeks. While I was waiting, I was so afraid to have another cramping episode. They were debilitating, and I was afraid to have one while I was home alone with Jack. It also brought up past emotions of when I experienced my miscarriage and needed a D&C in December of 2020. 

This when my mental health took a turn for the worse. I felt so traumatized. Endless anxiety for the past 14 months and now I was angry and bitter. It was nearly impossible to try to take care of myself during this time. I went back to work full-time, and I had two beautiful boys who needed me. After that, I didn’t have the time or energy to work on myself. When it was just the three of us, Nick and I could split the kid duties and it was so much easier to get a break. After Jack came, I rarely got a break in those first months. Family would offer to come take Leo for a few hours and help entertain him, which was helpful but I really needed help with the baby too. In retrospect, this is my fault for not speaking up and letting those around me know how they could help me.  

The transition to two kids was also much more difficult on our marriage. This is going to be its own post in the future so I will wait to do a deep drive later, but Nick and I became extremely disconnected. We were in survival mode every day… barely.

This whole experience was so utterly difficult and complex, more than I could have ever imagined. I know our story is unique with the specific challenges we faced, but I’ve had other friends agree that this transition from 1-2 was so much harder. I think one reason why it was difficult for all of us was our expectations of how it should be were not met. When you have one kid (even though you deep down know no two kids are the same) you sort of expect for the experience to be similar… that’s all you know, right? Your responsibility as a mom literally doubles over night, and now you have to figure out how to be a different mom to your new baby. I was a mom to a toddler who had XYZ needs, and now a newborn with ABC needs. Juggling all of that was insanely difficult! 

I want to end this on a more positive note, especially for anyone I have sufficiently scared out of having a second kid - haha!

There's nothing quite like watching my older son, Leo, with his baby brother. Watching him be the most loving and gentle brother is more special than I ever could have imagined. Now that Jack is a bit older, the way he looks at his big brother makes every second of this worth it. I’m so insanely grateful they have each other, and that I am their mother.

If you relate to any of this, please reach out! 🤍

As always, thank you for your love and support!

Love,

Jess